What NOT to look for in a webcam girl

Doug · Joined: 08 Jan 2003

What not to look for in a webcam girl

It is important to have an open mind in the adult webcam scene. That said, there are some real weirdos out there. Because most people who host webcam shows are amateurs or bored divorcees with a camera in their basement, you get just about every kind of freak you can imagine. Now, a certain amount of freaky is always encouraged, but here are a few things that I think you should watch out for when selecting the lucky lady who will entertain you for the next eight special minutes.

He-Shes

I am bound to offend somebody with this, so I might as well get it out of the way. I know some people like transsexuals, and that’s ok. But for me, I’m out to find some ladies, and there is only room for one penis where I’m going. Now, if you found yourself in Bangkok and you happened to stumble into one of the many, many red-light districts in the city, you might be tempted by a “Ladyboy massage 100 cheap and sexy”. This is not to be confused with the popular setting on the seat of your Mercedes.

What happens in Bangkok should stay precisely where you left it, but one thing you learn from the experience is that ladyboys are mostly post-operative transsexuals. Chicks with dicks. Back in webcam land, I spent about ten minutes chatting to this lovely Thai girl on AsianCamModels. She had an amazing face and looked petit, so I thought I would indulge in some private chat. As soon as it started costing me money a large black man came into view and lay down on the couch. He started watching TV.

I asked if it was her boyfriend, to which she replied, “No. My boss. She’s a TS too.” The time it took me to translate that as “transsexual” was just long enough for her to stand up and show me her penis. I thanked them both politely and left. The penis, it was too much. In retrospect I feel bad. She seemed like a nice girl, if a little flat-chested. I decided then and there that there was nothing wrong with transsexuals hosting webcam shows. I do think that they should make sure people know what they are getting into – before they get an eyeful of cock.

Ass Makeup

Some people get pimples on their butts. That is unfortunate, but it doesn’t meant that these individuals should not be discriminated against. If you like older gals, then what you throw into the bargain in return for experience and absolutely no problem with putting things in her ass is that you have to put up with a few bumps, lines and droopy parts. Some webcam girls apply body makeup to hide a lot of imperfections like ass-pimples, ingrown hairs, stretch-marks and all the other stuff you don’t want to see for $2.99 a minute. You know she probably has false teeth, too.

In case we had all forgotten, there is a reason we spend all this money on live webcam chat with girls who will take off their clothes and do things that really are worth paying money for. That reason is that these girls are supposed to be real, but much hotter than most of the chicks we know, or are likely to see naked. If you’re spending your hard-earned after-tax dollars on a chick with makeup all over her butt, then you need to stop and take a hard look at where your life is going.

The Ex-Stripper

The ex-stripper is not hard to spot on a webcam site. She has a professionally done photograph of her with perfect makeup, hair and a showgirl thong. She goes by names like “Pole_Stroker69” and is online pretty much all the time. These girls are usually still in their late twenties or can fake it, are built like comic book superheroes and can put on a professional act. So why would we not want to look for this in a webcam girl?

Three words for you my friends: “She’s a stripper.” At the moment I just can’t think of a place I could go where I could see a stripper do the same thing she does five times a night, six nights a week. I really wish I could find a place besides a webcam show – maybe where I could get a drink and a turkey buffet for $8.99 – but I just can’t think where to look.

Seriously people, if you want to see a stripper rub herself, go to a strip club. You will be able to see the same thing over and over, no matter how many times you go. You can even talk to the girls at these places just like on a webcam site, and they will feed you the same bullshit lines that you pay for online. At least with a real life stripper you aren’t obliged to swipe your credit card through her ass every time your time runs out.

Couples

This is a touchy subject, because a lot of people like seeing an amateur couple go at it. When we are faced with the reality of the situation, we usually find that the guy is far more keen to slap the camera with his dong than the girl is to do anything with it. If you enjoy the couples shows, make sure you pick a decent pay site like Cams or I’mLive where the show hosts are auditioned and you won’t end up with the back view of some dude in a banana hammock on all fours, trying to wake his girlfriend up.

Camera-to-Camera Chat

This is just a pet theory of mine, but I am deeply suspicious of any cam girl who wants me to plug a camera into my computer. It’s not that I don’t want to show her my unshaven face, mustard-stained pajamas and post-apocalyptic study. I just believe in maintaining the purity of the anonymous voyeur experience. If we wanted the cam girls to be able to see us, we wouldn’t pick usernames like 14”OfHardDick4U69, we would just call ourselves Steve, or Marvin.

Call me old fashioned, but I believe that looking for a webcam chick is kind of like looking for a one night stand. Okay, its more like paying for a hooker and then having sex with yourself, but that’s not important right now. You both know what it is supposed to mean, and you certainly aren’t expected to call her the next day. When a girl wants to see your ugly mug while she’s doing her thing, that means you might hear from her again.

She will post a message on her blog, asking you to contact her. Or she will track your email address using voodoo, and sooner or later she will show up in a cab outside your house carrying a yellow backpack filled with tampons and lipstick, claiming that she’s carrying your unborn lovechild. I might be paranoid about this, but when you are dealing with sex and money and people who enjoy having sex for money on camera over the internet, it never hurts to cover your tracks.

Cheap Thrills

Guys, I have some bad news for you. Sex on the internet is never free. Most sites will let you look at the merchandise, but if you want to open the packet, scratch it and sniff it for yourself you’re going to have to break out the Benjamins. Some sites offer free membership, and I say this is great. They will usually charge an arm and a leg for private chat, but you get tons of free stuff if you don’t feel like spending money right away.

But beware: always check out the prices of the private chat if they differ from girl to girl. Some sites do this according to the popularity of the hosts, but some allow the girls to price themselves. Either way the golden rule is simple: you get what you pay for. You could have gone to a TGP site and got a whole bunch of one minute clips for free, but you had to go for the tender stuff and now it’s going to cost you.

If a girl prices herself at $0.59 per minute, you have to ask yourself how much bang will you get for your buck. If there are sites that charge up to $6 per minute with their “amateur” models, then for $0.59 you are either getting a really boring show with little or no action, or a creature so hideously ugly that it will be worth the $6 you would pay at Cams to get her to turn her webcam off.

So that covers some of the things that I consider to be pimples on the butt-cheeks of the adult webcam scene. As I said right at the beginning: if any of these things turn you on, by all means go and hit them with your stick. I am sure most of you will agree with me that there are some potholes along the road to quality live webcam ass, and only the experienced explorer can hope to avoid the many perils of the world of webcams.

chat123 · Joined: 04 Aug 2005

I have some for you too! To help you understand what is hot and what is definitely not, here is a list of the top ten things not to look for in a webcam girl:

Top Ten Things Not To Look For In a Webcam Girl:

10. Girls who look too hot – remember that saying that goes “too good to be true”? If she looks like you saw her in last months Hustler, chances are you could have caught her at the local titty bar about five, maybe six years ago.

9. Commitment – Remember why we are here, solider! The adult webcam market is not a place to meet your soul mate. It is not a place to have stimulating conversation. It is a place to see a girl put a rubber thingy inside herself and pretend to have an orgasm. Never forget your mission.

8. Live webcam chat for under $1! – Think about this carefully. If you are paying as much for a minute with your lady as you would for a can of soda, how many minutes are you going to have to wait before you see some quality ass? The answer is a million years, because it isn’t ever going to happen man.

7. Camera-slapping dong-wielders – Watch out for couples chat where the guy seems far more interested in what’s going on than the girl does. He will take any opportunity to show you his equipment and tell you how he shaved it, and his girlfriend will carry on updating her Myspace page.

6. Flat Chests – If this does it for you, then so be it. But for me, a girl has to have something to show me if it’s going to cost me money. A flat chest can also be an early warning sign of a much greater peril…

5. Bondage – Again if its bondage you like, that’s your bag. Personally I have found that no matter how many times I watch my “Lesbian Goth Girls IV” DVD or get myself stuck in fluffy red handcuffs, nothing prepares me for a session with a real webcam dominatrix. These ladies show no mercy. They will chew you up, spit you out, and then make you lick their boots after you remove them from your own ass.

4. Bush – There are some cam sites that feature a special “hairy girls” section. Please would all webcam models who like to let it grow wild sign up to these sites now. If you pay good money for a webcam show, the last thing you’re going to see is, of course, what you paid for. If she pulls off her underwear to reveal a region of dense thicket and terrestrial wildlife, you just blew about four minutes worth of credits.

3. Butt Makeup – We have been over this, but remember that if a chick is putting makeup on her ass, then there are bound to be plenty of other bits you don’t want to see. Look for telltale signs like cracks that appear when she clenches.

2. Threesomes – I bet you never heard anyone say a threesome was a bad thing, but just wait. I’m not talking about that most awesome of natural unions, two girls and a guy. I mean a “Devil’s Threesome” involving at least double the maximum amount of penis. If you were watching porn, it might be fun to see a girl strung out like a lamb on a spit between two guys, but in a webcam show something else is more likely. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when a couple are doing their thing and some other guy comes along and puts his dick in the other guy’s ass.

And the number one thing not to look for in a webcam girl:

1. A Penis – If you are out looking for transsexuals, ladyboys, he-shes, chicks with dicks or flat-chested ladies packing some serious heat, believe me you will find them. For the rest of us, make sure you know what hardware the girl is equipped with before you swipe your card.